Netflix (noun): a formerly useful movie delivery service that has since become a categorically useless tool that feigns sophistication in a poorly-received effort to dupe subscribers into believing they have unique taste
What kind of movies do you like?
Are you interested in "Cerebral Business TV Documentaries"?
How about "Heartfelt Military Historical Documentaries"?
Perhaps you might enjoy a "Violent Suspenseful Psychological Movie"?
Maybe you're in the mood for a "Scary Revenge Thriller"?
These are just some of Netflix's verbosely meaningless sub-genres, which it uses to categorize and recommend movies to perpetually angry customers like myself. And every time I log into my account, I can't help but conclude that Netflix is now one of the internet's most frustratingly useless services to have ever latched onto the American bourgeois' obese, calloused teat of discretionary income.
For those who aren't familiar with Netflix, I will briefly explain. Rather than deliver its impressively large video library in a manner useful for those of us with an education exceeding 5th grade, Netflix takes all of those things we might love about a film - say, the actor's skill, the director's manipulation of perception, or the screenwriter's subtle character development - and then violently shoves them through a contorted, genre-based sausage-like algorythm that transforms the movie's complexities into an unambiguously simplified and repulsively obnoxious cow turd. The effect, analogically speaking, is that Netflix's entire library becomes coated in a generously-distributed layer of foul shit - a nearly impervious fecal barrier that functions only to proscribe you and all other non-douchebags from being happy subscribers.
Netflix's horribly contrived, semantically nightmarish recommendation process, then, reduces any and every movie into a clusterfuck of descriptors such as "heartfelt", "mind-bending", "psychological", "understated", "military historical", and "cerebral".
Thus, Netflix thinks that I'm into "Emotional Political 20th Century Period Pieces", "Exciting Conspiracy TV Shows", and "Cerebral Social & Cultural Documentaries," when in reality, I like to think that I'm interested in "Good Movies". Unfortunately, Netflix doesn't have a genre for those, so I guess I'll just have to sift through the shit until I find something palatable. Until then, I guess I'll check out what "Foreign Psychological Mind-bending Thrillers with a Strong Female Lead" has to offer.
-D$
