From Queen to Bean and Everything in Between

It is once again my favorite time of the leap year – OLYMPICS SEASON! The time of year when Bob Costas can say things like “The president of the Libyan Olympic Committee was kidnapped but released just in time for the Opening Ceremony!” with a shit-eating smile on his face and no one notices because they are preoccupied watching London tell its rich history of mass oppression to the currently oppressed masses. People are still being kidnapped, but look at our organizational and logistical management skillz!

There was no doubting the brilliance of the Queen’s entrance, however Daniel Craig as 007? The organizers blew £27 million, only spent £1 on Paul McCartney, yet still couldn’t spring for Connery? The Queen’s brooch/necklace/headpiece combo could have paid for the entire ceremony and yet the human race had to settle for the poor man's undercover operative. How disgusting.

The ceremony cycled through the UK’s history, however, as it is impossible to touch on all the historical struggle snuggles initiated by Her Majesty’s red coats, many catastrophes were coincidentally ignored by the Opening Ceremony. These catastrophes include, but are not limited to: the American Revolution, colonizing EVERYTHING, decolonizing EVERYTHING, and child labor, which was briefly reintroduced in full force for the Opening Ceremony. The stage resembled the ultimate Sandusky dream, minus the flying beds, as they make the children more difficult to get to.

Then there was Mary! My ineffable childhood dream of having 100 Mary Poppins love, coddle, and bring milk to me quickly turned into a treacherous trail of nightmare-inducing Voldemort-produced wizardry. The thought of a giant jack-in-the-box being vaulted out of a bed is enough to make me scared to sleep – apparently no one thought of the children. The thousands of children on that stage will go on to have Opening Ceremony PTSD and cost their friend, the under-funded NHS, millions.

England’s love for scaring young children shitless is up there with its love for under-spiced comestibles and the politically correct. Only black-on-black couples were featured and the white people, as expected, couldn’t dance. Subsequently, according to my research, it can only be assumed that being forced to love your country makes you a better dancer (see: Opening Ceremony 2008).

Overall, the 2012 Opening Ceremony was a little creepy and odd, just like the British. 

It is a national travesty that Mr. Bean has yet to be Sir-ed,

zrox